Coping
by An Ordinary Riceball
Summary: "Al... What are you... doing...?" "I don't want to feel anymore, Brother. Why does it hurt so bad...? Please tell me." Self-harm and sort of suicidal thoughts. Takes place after Alphonse gets his body back. I'm mostly venting, so this story may seem a bit ooc.


_**Story: Coping**_  
 _ **Summary: "Al... What are you...doing...?"**_ **" _I don't want to feel anymore, Brother._ Why does it hurt so bad...? _Please tell me._ " Self-harm.**  
 _ **Disclaimer: I don't own the FMA franchise.**_

 ** _This was a story I started writing while half asleep, and it's also my first FMA fanfiction, so please be nice. Mostly wrote it out of stress, so it may be ooc._**

* * *

"Al... What are you...doing...?"

It was those words alone that caused Alphonse's blood to go cold as he'd been caught, tearing his own skin to pieces, by his older brother. He didn't know what he was doing. All he knew was that he had to _get rid of it_.

"Brother, I... I don't..." Tears formed in the corners of his eyes, unable to come up with words to fit his feelings. Edward's eyes were contorted in shock and fear, fear that he might lose his brother, _for real this time_.

"Hey, it's okay, Al... We can talk about it..." Edward struggled to give a shaky smile, in hopes that his brother would listen to him, but was truthfully desperate and falling apart at the seams, barely holding himself together. He couldn't lose his brother again. This time, he wouldn't have Alchemy to 'fix' his mistake. "So why don't you give me that knife, y-yeah...?"

Alphonse, however, didn't listen to him, instead speaking words that caused Edward to lose any bit of composure he had had left. " _I don't want to feel anymore, Brother._ Why does it hurt so bad...? _Please tell me._ "

In an instant, Edward felt the parts of his heart, which had finally been allowed to start healing, tear right back into the pieces it came from. He fell to the floor in front of his brother, tears streaming down his own face. He reached up, desperately trying to wipe them away, only for more to fall. "I'm so sorry. It's is all my fault that you're suffering right now... But... please... I can't lose you, not after losing both Mom and Dad... I don't want to be alone, so please... don't do this to me again... If you died, I'd... Everything we've worked for... God, I don't care if you hate me, but please... don't hate yourself... None of this is your fault... You don't deserve what I've put you through..."

"I could never hate you...! And it isn't you're fault either... If it is, it's just... as much mine... I'm... sorry, Brother... I..." Alphonse trailed off into a mumble, feeling light headed. He fell to the floor, feeling nauseated from losing too much blood.

"Hey..., what's wrong?" Edward looked up, worried. Alphonse felt his vision darkening and slowly turning to stars, his five senses fading out as he was finding it hard to keep his eyes open.

"I... don't feel that good." the knife that had been in his hand fell on the ground beside him. And Edward took it as his opportunity to get the bloody weapon away from his brother and throw it off to the side.

"It'll be alright. I'm gonna to take you to the hospital so we can get you fixed up. You just have to keep your eyes open for me, okay? Can you do that...?"

"I'll try... But it's kind of hard..." Alphonse responded.

"I know... But try to bear with me... I'm about to lift you up." Edward spoke softly, as he tied a couple of pillow cases around Alphonse's arms to cover up the worst of his wounds, figuring it would suffice for the time-being, before lifting his brother's body up in his arms. After quickly making his way to the door, he was surprised to find that Mustang was standing there.

"Mustang? What are you doing here?" Edward seemed surprised.

"...Colo...nel...?" Alphonse murmured, glancing over.

"Edward? My god, you're both covered in blood." Mustang noted, when he noticed the crimson covering their clothes, "What happened to him?"

That's when he noticed the cuts, not ignorant enough to question where they had came from. Being in the military, he had not only seen people take their own lives but had also had seen soldiers hurt themselves before. And to be honest, it wasn't something that wasn't familiar to him personally either. However, it just didn't seem like something Alphonse would do. If anything, Mustang had always seen Edward as the more unstable one, so it was just a little shocking that that it wasn't Edward that had went had torn his skin to pieces.

"There's no time, I'll explain later, but right now, we need to get him to the hospital!" Edward frantically told him, obviously stressed enough as it was.

Mustang nodded in agreement. "Right. Just try to stay as calm as possible. The last thing he needs is for you to be falling apart right now."

* * *

 _Lights. Beeping. A lot of commotion._

These were the first things Alphonse had registered when they arrived at the hospital. However, he was barely conscious. And was pretty sure he would pass out if something wasn't done soon.

"How much... longer... until I can rest,... Brother? I'm... really tired."

"I'm know, Al, I know... I'm sorry, but it won't be long; I promise." Edward gave a small gentle smiling, trying to reassure his little brother.

"Okay..." Alphonse simply muttered.

It didn't take long for somebody to get around to helping them, and he was then placed in a room, before being hooked up to an IV.

"Um, Colonel, sir, we need to preform a blood transfusion because of how much blood Alphonse has lost, but somebody of legal age needs to sign for us to be able to do it." a nurse told Mustang.

"I see. In that case, I'll do it." the flame alchemist told her.

"Thank you, Sir."

* * *

The blood transfusion had been performed and Alphonse had fallen asleep. But the wait was nothing but misery for Edward, who wanted to talk to talk to his brother again.

"This is all my fault...!" Edward suddenly growled out, punching the wall, though not doing much damage, since he no longer had his auto-mail arm. "It's my fault he lost his body in the first place, and now since it's been so long, he doesn't even know how to _cope_ with it!"

"Alphonse takes just as much blame as you do for what happened. You may have been the one who thought to pull something like that, but he's the one that decided to go along with it. I understand that this was hard to deal with for both of you, but what you did was forbidden and for a good reason. He's lucky to even be alive. Both of you are. So I'm not going to sit back and let either one of you take that for granted. I want you to stand tall, Fullmetal, and always keep that fiery passion of yours that I know, even without Alchemy, but never forget what happened nor how you got where you are. You're not alone in this and nor is Alphonse. You both have a lot people that care about you, and people you've earned the respect of, myself included, so don't throw that to waste, got it?"

"Yeah... Thanks, Colonel..."

If it had been Edward from when he was a bit younger, he probably would have cut Mustang off, angrily assuming what he had to say before he had said it, but Edward had matured a little over time, at least enough to know what his superior was trying to tell him. He knew that what he and Alphonse had done was inexcusable, and that they had to face what they had done, so it was only right that he himself had been the one to lose his alchemy, since he had more or less pressured Alphonse into doing what they had done, and had put the dumbass idea into his head in the first place. However, he also knew that they had people that could rely on.

"Edward, Alphonse!" Speaking of which, Izumi stepped in the room at that point.

"Teacher, what are you...?" Edward muttered, trailing off, when Izumi started coughing.

"I thought I told you boys to stop calling me that." She then said.

"Oh, whoops, I guess old habits die hard, huh, Teach?..." Edward gave a weak smile, scratching the back of his head when Alphonse groaned, but didn't open his eyes. He seemed to be asleep still.

Everybody glanced at him, but then Izumi spoke, looking at the bandages that had been wrapped around younger boy's arms.

"Anyway, your Colonel called me and told me that you were taking Alphonse to the hospital because he had lost a lot of blood. What happened to his arms...?"

Edward looked away. "He... He did it."

Izumi was silent for a second before it seemed to dawn on her the most likely implication of what he was trying to say. And worry for one of the boys she considered might as well be her own children enveloped her. "Wait, you mean he _tried to take his life_...?"

Silence filled the room, causing Izumi to lose it. She was never that great with holding things back and was awfully honest with her feelings and what she wanted. She placed her hands on his shoulder's giving them a tight squeeze. "You have to tell me everything, Edward. I need to know that he's okay."

"Honestly, I'd like to know as well, exactly what happened in there. You've only told me so much." Mustang added.

Edward felt cornered, and surrounded. His breathing began to pick up and he started to panic.

"I don't know, okay?! I just don't know! I found him with a knife and he said that he wanted to _'stop feeling', that it hurt so much_. And there was so much blood, oh god there was so much... I... I'm so scared, Teacher... What if he tries it again...?" Once again that day, Edward's eyes filled with tears, as he looked at the woman, desperate and trembling, trying to hold it back and keep from crying.

"Edward, that's..." Izumi started to say, trying to catch his attention. However Edward, wasn't really hearing anything. He was growing more and more and more frantic by the second, the events of the day finally having time to truly sink in.

"What if I'm not enough to stop him next time? I can't lose him... I can't lose my brother. He's all that I have! I can't-" In an instant, Izumi, unable to take anymore, cut him off, by pulling him into a strong embrace, causing him to momentarily freeze.

"Just let it out." She said, gently holding on to the back of his head.

After a moment, however, all barriers that Edward had built up around himself came crashing down around him in a single second, as he broke down into a fit of sobs, returning the embrace, his tears uncontrollable. Roy and Izumi both found the sight and sound heartbreaking to watch and listen to, since Edward rarely ever cried. After a short while, Edward finally calmed down a bit and was able to regain his composure. Minutes later, they noticed Alphonse had started moving again. He seemed to be waking up. It was a wonder that he hadn't woken up before now, but they _had_ doped him up on some kind of medication to help him sleep and relax as well as to adjust his mood temporarily until he could speak to a psychiatrist.

* * *

 ** _End of Part 1 / (probably) 2._**

 ** _Please review if you will._**


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